#guys what if i redrew the ‘you have the eyes of a soldier’ ‘do you want to be my friend’ scene with haikavetham what then…….

[tinartss]

otayuri fanart in the year 2025 because the first yoi rewatch after nearly 9 years goes crazy hard

[doedipus]

LP D&D: Tumble in the Tundra

It’s like the Rumble in the Jungle, except not in central Africa.

Something about the concept of magic items really tickles my fancy, moreso than a lot of other fantasy tropes. Stuff like the Moonlight Greatsword from the Dark Souls games, Link’s heaping arsenal of hyper-specialized tools, and Guts’ berserker suit and robot hand strike me as being super cool. If I had to rationalize it, I guess it comes down to gadget-based heroes being more fundamentally human in my mind than someone with the innate ability to light things on fire with their brain, and in the context of tabletop games, magic items can provide some more flavor to combat and river crossing puzzles than a party of totally mundane humans. Like, the time when Coy ended the battle at the late Lord Hier’s dinner party by crashing the airship through clever use of the teleport hat was wayyy cooler than the dozens of other encounters the party just brute forced their way through.

One of these days, I really want to run a campaign in a low-genre game like Call of Cthulhu, Delta Green or something, and use quadcopters or smartphones the same way our DM in this game uses the helm of teleportation or the cloak of the bat.

I’m bringing all this up because the map the party had been carting around this whole time is basically a smartphone. As usual, content under the break.

Teller redrew the map

While he was drawing, a woman’s face appears in the map and speaks to the party

Her name is Natalie

She’s the map

Of Amarak //The last empire to control western Faerun

Natalie is having none of our berk questions

Connie asks about the sisters, Natalie gives an info-dump

They were anti-imperialist

Minnia formed a pact with some demons

Amarak successfully repelled them, and recorded their strategies in Natalie

Lucas asks about Minnia’s location

Apparently she was split into 5 pieces, and her remains scattered

One near Luskan and Syrup Leaf

One near Calimport

One near Shulk

One near Amathar

One in Winterkeep

One in Candlekeep

Natalie can give the party more detailed advice as we get close

“You seem kind of full of yourself. I like that. I’m also kind of full of myself”-Lucas

Coy asks Natalie what she knows about what’s-her-name

My responses are limited. You must ask the right question.

Max works through his headache and remembers names

Natalie has an image of her on file

Graham realizes something is off about the map

Coy and Graham take a closer look

The kingdom of Demara was apparently bigger in the past

It was slightly smaller than Amarak, and its ally

Graham puts his ear to the map

Natalie recommends he clean his ears

He does. On Natalie.

Natalie is violated

Lucas tries to concuss Graham, but he’s doing the dance of his people

Natalie dislikes being called “Map”

Coy recommends the party go check out the giblets at Syrup Leaf

Lucas is confus. What’s a syrup leaf?

Coy attempts to explain

Natalie wants to map out a relationship chart for the party

Esmeralda is a lady

no srs guys

Telepathy sex dungeon //from Sigil trip one

Lucas denies any knowledge of this “Rolen” //Rich also denies any knowledge of this “Rolen.”

He literally has no knowledge of Rolen

Or the drow attack on Amnswater

Graham reveals he’s never learned anyone else’s name

Coy considers storage options for Natalie

Can we laminate her?

Can she survive in a bag of holding?

Natalie the smartphone can keep track of our quests. How convenient! //Not like we tend to think in terms of “quests” anyway. We mostly just bumble around and then things happen

Connie asks about the Sigil portal

The ruins of the Sigil-Amarak trade hub is nearby

It’s by the crags

Graham has a question for Map

Where’s Catarina?

There isn’t one lol

It’s recently independent obvs

What’s the dog to milk ratio?

It’s 3:1, Rap

Coy asks for a brief overview of the war

Amarak allied with nearby kingdoms

They cornered Minnia in Beydale and dismembered her

There was also a golem army, which Natalie can activate

Escrima asks about extraplanar creatures

They came out through the underchasm

He asks about mother

Apparently, she patroned a few generals during the war

Callie Thorngage, Nedda Brushgather, and Escrima Smith

Natalie shows images of said generals

They bear a striking resemblance to Graham, Connie, and Escrima Smith, respectively

//From what little we know so far, Callie Thorngage was ostensibly a cis woman. The implication is pretty clearly that the members of the current party are reincarnations of these other three folks, with Escrima being the Gordon Freeman to MOTHER’s G-man. So like, why would Graham’s previous incarnation be a cis girl? Wouldn’t it make more sense if the old Graham was also a dude, and the trans thing happened because he was literally a dude dumped into a girl’s body? I swear, cis folk have no idea how to write this sort of thing.

They made it out of the war okay, and joined mother in the ether

Escrima accuses Natalie of tripping balls

She is a map. She does not trip

Amarak awarded mother some sort of reward for its assistance

Other team photos are revealed

There’s doppelgangers of Greg and Eva too.

Greg’s clone being the son of Theodin, King of Amarak

In a painting of the dicing of Minnia, a soldier uses The Cleaver to cut up Minnia’s body

The Cleaver is stored near the Sea of Fallen Stars, in a vault

Vaults are scattered around the continent, full of puzzles and treasure

Well ain’t that somethin’!

Graham and Escrima develop a plan to shoulder check the sisters and the bits of Minnia into the ocean, and then burn down the ocean. They will play their victory jingle on a triangle made of snakes

The hammer is also a snake

Coy accidentally lets slip that she has a soft stummy

Graham wants to touch it

Coy tries to be intimidating, but fails

Lucas prays to Oghma to try and figure out all that Rolen nonsense

All his memories are starting to get fuzzy, come to think of it

Eva’s are getting pretty strong, though

Lucas decides to take a look

She kept a Lucas shrine back in Candlekeep

She reduced it down to a drawing of Lucas, hidden in her cape

Lucas finds the picture. It’s of the two of them getting married.

The gang interrupts Lucas’ meditation session

He’s crying a bit, so he tries to use thaumaturgy to cover it

He makes flames come out of his eyes (by accident?)

Coy throws a potion of healing in his face

He feels very healthy

Coy explains to Lucas about the information the gang gleaned from the map

Lucas would rather Natalie just give him the information herself

Natalie recalls MOTHER as the “entity of dreams”  

Lucas wants to know if it’s good or evil.

Natalie gives him a cryptic answer

It’s a force of stability more than anything

Lucas asks Natalie if the Escrimas are the same

The one in the painting was 23 at the time of the war

Escrima always assumed he was 18

Natalie displays the group portrait with the generals, not-Greg, and not-Eva

not-Greg was named “Silifrey”

not-Eva was named “Merla Terlef,” and was married to Silifrey

Coy is irritated she doesn’t have a double

Lucas Explains Proskur to the party

He regrets getting involved, and blames himself for Eva’s pseudo death

Lucas goes to bed, as does Coy

Connie goes to the bathhouse

There’s a human man and an elf woman in the bath already

They’re married. Damn.

They’re here to open their business selling devices, gadgets and things

It’s a clock, but portable. Astounding!

Escrima wants to talk to Natalie

Coy opens the map, and prudently decides not to let Escrima touch it

Escrima asks about the generals

They were adventurers before joining the war

Lots of dragons killed, innocents saved, etc.

He wants to know about Callie Thorngage

She was a lady knight in the army of Amarak

Part of the agreement between Theodin V and mother was for the three to become generals

He asks to see the stats of the sister’s army

Several million gnolls, orcs, drow, and, oddly, fiends

The sister’s army had some generals too

They’re doubles of Lucas and legacy edition Coy. what?

//Again, why would Coy’s past-self-apparent be a dude? Grumble grumgle grumble

not-Coy was named “KUNG” in all-caps. Most dragonborn were on the sisters’ side. KUNG was killed in battle

not-Lucas’ name was Cefrey, who was the lead mage in their army. He was a necromancer who led a legion of undead

He looks like edgiest Lucas

Escrima and Coy go show Lucas

Lucas is appalled at Cefrey’s fashion sense

Lucas contemplates joining Minnia

The trio contemplate soul recycling, and realize it’s totally possible

Something or other did this intentionally

Natalie points the gang towards the planes

Lucas asks Natalie who put her in the box

It looks like Rocky. It’s probably Rocky.

Torix resumes control

Zerander heads for the bathhouse

The gang manages to sleep soundly for once

Lucas dreams about spiders

Connie has her recurring dream again

The next morning, Lucas goes to the scroll place. He spends the day copying spells

Zerander visits the blacksmith

He wants to get a silver zweihander

The smith agrees to make it out of the silver the gang sold to the armorer

Connie wants to take Nat 20 to the library

She tracks down Coy, and retrieves Natalie

She makes her way to the library in the main castle

Nat 20 has limited space, and can only absorb like 50 books

Connie feeds her a bunch of atlases and encyclopedias

She takes a bit too much pleasure from absorbing books

Zerander and Coy continue shopping

He visits an apothecary looking for alchemist’s fire

Coy bought all the fire in town

Graham goes looking for a way to upgrade grey matter //His hammer

Most of the people he asks are kids for some reason

He ends up at the blacksmith anyway

The smith upgrades it a dice class

In order to reduce the price, he spends the day working under the smith

Zerander goes looking for firearms

A shop sells old-timey hand cannons

The cannon and five rounds are 650gp

1d12 + 6 blunt damage!

Zerander talks the shopkeeper down to 600

He also goes to buy some basic supplies

He gets some holy water from the temple of Oghma

The priests want a donation of knowledge as payment

Zerander tells them about the time he fought a bear

Escrima spent the day swimming in the boiling hot river

He finds 5gp

He also finds a constitution saving throw

The water he drank is... not great

His goal was to get all wrinkly, and counts that as a success

During the night, Graham goes to check on Escrima

There’s puke everywhere. It smells disgusting

A maid tries to clean it up

Escrima asks Graham how he’s handling Nat 20’s info dump

Graham can barely understand a ham sandwich 

Escrima suggests they go to the bathhouse and turn it into puke water

They instead decide to try to become frogs

For some reason, they are unsuccessful

They’re not even green

Mother tells Escrima that she has more things to do

Escrima feels rebellious. He wants a piercing.

Graham considers having the blacksmith make Escrima a lily pad-shaped helmet

Lucas tries to relax in the hot spring

Distracted by current events, he fails to notice Coy and Zerander in the springs when he got in

Zerander explains the boomstick

Lucas doesn’t pay attention, and is instead transfixed by Zerander’s giant dong

It’s like, the size of his leg

“Eyes up here!”

Lucas comments that Coy looked better when she was a guy //Damn it, Rich

Lucas and Zerander fail their diversity training courses miserably

//Specifically, Zerander calls Coy “it.” Of all the shitty things to call a trans or intersex person, “it” stings the most in my mind. We’re human too, damn it. I’m still a bit sore about this whole interaction, but I guess this is the sort of thing that happens when you hang out with cis people in stealth. Since opening up to the players about being trans, it really hasn’t been an issue.

The gang goes to retrieve the items they ordered

Graham also has the lily pad hat made

He dubs Escrima “Sir Escrima of the Lotus Helm”

He tries to remove the hat, and fails

Lucas is informed of the frog plan, and polymorphs him into one

Graham kisses frogscrima, returning him to normal

Lucas turns him back in the middle of this

Lucas then polymorphs Graham

Graham attempts to pee on Lucas

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Coy buys a crossbow that she can fire grappling hooks out of

Zerander goes to find a boxing ring

He meets a half-orc boxer named “GGrumsh”

GGrumsh wants to fight. The organizer sets up a match for that night

The whole of Neverwinter will be there

Connie asks Nat 20 about airships

Invented by dorfs on the continent of shulk

Big business in Neverwinter

Denyr’s Mechanical Marvels

The gang heads over to the shipyard to check things out

Their couches are okay

The boss mentions that they’re manufacturing ships for the sisters of dawn

Coy remarks that the sister’s ship was poorly made, having had firsthand experience

Coy has Connie message Rocky about the appraisal of the diamond

Janice, Rocky’s secretary answers back, which is odd

It was worth 1,125,000

The gang asks about types of construction

They gravitate towards rune-fueled, heavier than air flight

They pass a few of the sister’s ships on the way out

As Lucas wraps up, he hears some murmurs about the fight between GGrumsh and a foreigner. It’s starting soon!

The gang goes to watch the fight

Zerander strips down to boxing gear

The crowd cheers for GGrumsh

They boo Zerander as he enters. He flips them off

Graham bets on Zerander, and Lucas bets on Zerander’s dick

Battle against Ultraheavyweight GGrumsh of Neverwinter

Zerander pulls a “Well! What is it!” to try and goad his opponent into attacking

...which he does.

Zerander trips GGrumsh

GGrumsh regains his balance and attacks

He calls his attacks like a true monk

Zerander tries to trip him again, but sneak attacks only work once!

He then tries to grapple GGrumsh, and again fails

GGrumsh releases a flurry of blows, wounding Zerander

Zerander pins GGrumsh to the ground and slugs him several times

GGrumsh tries to get up, but is unable to get out from under the goliath

Zerander continues to pummel GGrumsh

GGrumsh manages to land a solid hit from his compromised position

He continues to try to escape the grapple, but fails

Zerander continues to pulverize GGrumsh

Zerander pulls out an elbow drop!

GGrumsh yields to nobody

Zerander picks him up, and slams him into the ground, knocking him unconscious

Zerander is awarded a belt adorned with the crest of Neverwinter

It grants +1 CHA

Also 250gp

Graham won 80gp on the fight

Escrima christened him “Dong, Champion of the Crucible”

The crowd begins calling him that, angering Zerander

The next day, Zerander goes to the smith, and asks about melding it into his armor

You can’t do that

Coy has pancakes

The gang heads to the old trade hub

It’s abandoned

They venture deeper into the castle, and find a courtyard

The castle is covered in seals of Amarak and other kingdoms

The party is curious as to why the castle was abandoned, and consult Nat 20

It has teleportation circles to Calimport and Baldur’s Gate

Lucas asks Natalie whether or not we could easily travel back and forth from Calimport

Probably, if the return portal is still active

Escrima expresses distress at the idea of going back to Calimshan

The temple Escrima was living in was ransacked, and the perpetrators are likely still there

He fled with another acolyte from Calimport to Candlekeep

“Now I gotta go take a shit in that bush”

Lucas opens the door to the portal rooms

There are a number of safety measures in the complex designed to brutally murder invaders

DAE acid?

As they go deeper, they hear a deep moaning noise coming from the portal room

Lucas uses an arcane eye to see into the portal room

There’s a beholder in there!

END